(By Raina)
I’m the protector, the one who needs to be in control, the one who has to make sure that the system runs properly and the others don’t get too far out of hand in one direction or another. I’m the one who has taken over fully since The Psychologist and The Sociopath have bowed out as being too extreme to be able to handle controlling the body without alienating all social connections she has.
I’m the one that has been out for a few weeks now, since The Psychologist managed to piss off K, our roommate, and David came tumbling back out into the open again after spending some time in hiding because he pissed the whole system off by hijacking the body last year and trying to make the body male with testosterone boosters. He seems to have since run back into the depths of the caves as he knows that I’m more than pissed with his behavior regarding the body’s hormonal states since we already have so many health issues.
One thing I needed to do was to start moderating the alters in a way that hasn’t been done yet. Sara wasn’t strong enough to run the body, but is the purest of us so is a good reminder of how to not be so jaded. Her desire to experience the joy in life and to want to trust someone so deeply has helped me remember that some people can be trusted, although not without me approving them for certain. Sara’s desire to submit is something that has gotten us all into loads of trouble before.
However, due to my own development from being merely a protector to becoming the main alter, I’m developing new sides and new feelings. I want to be able to trust people even though I am skeptical that I will be able to. I want to not be alone even though I know that it will take a good bit of time before I can find someone compatible with me and my life.
In doing this, I have let Sara have an entry as a little on Fetlife (FL). While I will never submit to someone sexually, she still has these desires and having her as a second means that I need to respect that she wants these things. I’ve posted for her/about her on FL on our profile there talking about her preferences. She has posted today about her interests in a kink littles forum and I feel much more balanced in doing so. I hope that this new arrangement is going to work for our system. As I’m able to start integrating more emotional states into my being, then I feel like my personality will continue to grow and expand more readily into a whole person rather than just being the one-sided protector I have been for so many years.
I have a glimmer of hope that I might be able to make a whole person, not that I want to eliminate the other alters, but that I want to be able to work as a successful system with the others and make me a more complete personality so that we can finally start getting the body into a better place and start getting the system into a much more functional state of being. If nothing else, having K here has given me a constant reminder that I need to be able to handle other people around me who have various wants and interests. In being able to handle her personalities, I am learning about my own system and how to become a more balanced whole person myself.
This next part is about K our roommate and what she means to us.
Kit is someone I get along with in her system, I enjoy the watching movies together and the pickles. 🙂 I’ve been enjoying watching her come out more now that she has resurfaced. She is genuine and makes me smile.
Serefina hasn’t interacted with me too much excepts some comments on work here and there (from what I’ve noticed), but I found out yesterday that she has been talking work stuff with my husband Puppy, so that makes me glad.
Rikka is like a best friend to me, although we both tend to be more willing to distance ourselves from others. I like the snark, the sarcasm, the bitching about lovers and people in general together. I feel like she understands my protective side better than most and I can let my jaded side show with her without fear of offending her.
Roms has come out around my children a number of times. The kids seem to know because they will climb in her lap, will tug on her leg and she will give them a smile that is so loving and genuine. It makes me smile to see her interact with them.
Claire doesn’t come out much to interact with me, but I enjoy her company. Usually her company is the quiet of evening with both her and I on our computers, both typing, both quietly journaling our lives on here or me playing around on the internet while she writes. I try not to bother her too much when she is writing, but I enjoy her quiet company.
Charlotte doesn’t like me much, but I respect that she has her needs and prefers time with males and others. While she has gotten angry at me a few times over instances of things I have said in regards to her partner interests, I understand that I can be too aggressive at times, and that she is a needed part of the system and is fully entitled to her preferences and interests.
Armes is my roommate’s little. She is very sweet and I have only seen glimmers of her. Sara just wants her to come out and play. Sara gave her a fuzzy poster the other night when she was coloring one of her own. Sara hopes that Armes recognizes that she is welcome to be out in the house, even though I know she isn’t out much.
Midori, Victoria, and Daria both have not made themselves clearly known to me. I have seen Midori come to the surface a few times when Sara talks about cooking and baking (and occasionally about music), but hasn’t come out enough to actually want to bake and cook with her. Victoria noticeably surfaces now and again, but I don’t think she has actually interacted with me. I could be wrong though because I’ve not always been so observant about who is out. I don’t believe that Daria has come out around me at all, but again, could be wrong about that.
I’m getting to know these people and their wants and desires. All of them are interesting to me, all of them are valuable. Even the ones who don’t like me or don’t want to come out around me are useful and special to me because they are part of her system. I find myself considering her family in a way, not in any kind of weird creepy way, but just that I find myself caring about her and wanting to make sure she is ok too. She is a friend and I hope that we can continue our friendship, even as we find times where we miscommunicate or get on each other’s nerves.
I’m thankful that she is here, thankful that she is my friend and thankful that she has let me into her world to an extent so that I can know her and myself better as a result.