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I walked four miles last night…I’m paying for it today.

I got angry and switchy last night and couldn’t stay in the house. One of the alters I haven’t seen in a while (The Drill Sergeant) came out and started berating me for the fact that I’ve let myself get to this point physically, a little over a hundred pounds heavier than my “best” weight while I was Active Duty.

What that alter fails to recognize is that I was working out two hours a day six days a week and eating nearly nothing during that time to maintain that weight. The fact that I’ve been severely injured and have hardware in my left foot is irrelevant to that alter as he views anything other than pushing through it and “getting over it” to be excuses. 

The realistic view is that I should lose about 60-70lbs over time, but that I have significant limitations regarding my metabolic health, my injuries and connective tissue disorder, and my ability to consistently work out without flaring my auto-immune issues. Yep, I’m a fucking mess. Ideally I’d love to be out of the 200s and somewhere around 175-185, but it seems to be slow going. I’ve lost about ten pounds in the past two months, but am hoping to keep going and get myself back down towards a more reasonable weight/size. I’m not ashamed that I’m a size 20, but I’d much prefer to be a size 16 again where my joints are not constantly being taxed by the extra weight (despite 50lbs of it being a side-effect of the meds they put me on for the damn joint pain to begin with!!!)

I made it the four miles (two miles to the end of the sidewalk towards Kroger from my house and then 2 back), but today have had a hell of a time walking at all. I managed to get around Walmart because I used a cart the whole time, putting weight on my arms rather than fully on my legs. I’m hurting like hell, and have been trying to push through because I know tomorrow will be worse if I haven’t gotten up and moved around today.

The kids are still sick, although the older one has been fine with taking some cough syrup in the morning and heading off to school. Hopefully by Monday they’ll be themselves again and my last week of classes will be calmer. I finished one term paper and submitted it, but now have to finish the other one for the twatface Criminal Profiling professor.