Who I am, who We are, what We do.

I first became aware of my multiplicity through magical workings and meditation around age 15. I began to visualize myself internally I saw a fractured but cut diamond where certain parts would come to the surface (like those magic 8 ball answer things) and when people would tell me that they were not sure “who” I was going to be each day I figured out that I likely had MPD/DID. I realized that it was an alter that had been studying psychology since I was seven, working to figure out how to fix me even before I consciously knew anything was wrong.

At the point where I knew I was multiple, all of us decided on going by the variations of our legal name to ensure that these “defects” were never detected. This worked rather well until the stress of being Active Duty military plus the birth of my first son triggered postpartum depression and delayed-onset PTSD from the most recent and most violating of my traumatic experiences that happened when I was 19/20. The trauma that started the dissociation was a culture of neglect and emotional instability from both my parents, an ADHD/Aspergers father and a MDD mother who I don’t have memories of really before my father died when I was 11 other than the fact she was “in her room.” There was also an extensive abuse by a male “best friend” who I had defended against bullies in kindergarten and became my only friend. Eight years of continued pressure to go further with him culminating in a rape attempt, something I never shared with anyone until after I was already in therapy for PTSD after having my first son.

Currently I am still working on mapping out my internal environment. I decided that whitewashing all of these personalities as one name has put me at a disadvantage of getting to know them more intimately and will add more information as I find out more. I have also discovered that I am polyfragmented, meaning I have over a hundred different fragments of personalities that are not fully dissociative but are like colored gel filters over white light, coloring my perceptions and emotions for any given situation. These fragments will never have names, but are frequent and transient slides that sometimes move in rapid succession of one another when I am stressed.

As for the alters I know of so far:

The Psychologist: This is the primary co-conscious alter that manages the research and therapy for alters that don’t talk to me directly. She is highly analytical, intellectual, and proper. She is removed from the emotional world in a professional manner.

The Sociopath: This one is similar to The Psychologist but is detached without the ethical and emotional boundaries that The Psychologist displays. He is male, is predatory and both acts as a protector and as an abuser at times within the system. He, The Psychologist, and The Student are the main alters that sit as “me.”

The Student: This one is also similar to The Psychologist in relation to desire to learn, research, and discover answers for things, but presents with a wider range of interests and enjoys simply learning and researching whenever possible. The Student doesn’t identify as either gender.

The Task manager: This is the one who keeps track of my schedule and the shit I have to do. It is the drudgery/OCD personality who does the things the rest of me hates.

Raina: Raina is a protector. She curses A LOT is generally angry, bitchy, and wants smokes and alcohol. She is also a protector who is highly sexual but likes using sex as a weapon or for her own gratification and “feeding” rather than mutual benefit.

Sara: Sara is the passionate one, the writer of the group. She is metaphors and emotions. She is the beauty in life. She is the one who splashes in mud puddles and laughs in the rain. She is me as I was before the jaded mind took over. She tends to come out as Autumn approaches and always maintains dominance during that time. She is childish innocence and pure spirit, but has aged to about age 17 these days, she intermittently will change ages to younger appearances and mentality with the exact same feel and personality, just younger.

The EMT: This one is “one of the guys” has a lewd mouth, but not in an angry way like Raina. She is definitely a girl and is sexual, but prefers to be social with men and have uncomplicated fun with them. She wants to be desired but also manage to be the best friend.

The BMET: The BMET is the twin of the EMT, this one is the military member with technical knowledge of mechanical things, fixing stuff, and is also “one of the guys.” The difference between the two is the direction of knowledge, the EMT knows more medical body-related things, the BMET knows more of the medical equipment side of things and the military-related technical stuff. They are co-conscious with one another though.

Dave: David/Dave is the male alter that took over the system in 2011 after the body’s severe foot injury and surgery. He is a masculine guy who likes leather jackets and has severe problems with the body being female. He likes working out and is very angry at the system for not allowing the body to be more healthy and able to work out. He is extremely dominant and a bit of an asshole. He will fix whatever is wrong with a person or situation and doesn’t care what he hulk-smashes to get to that point.

Chrissy: Chrissy is the depressed, self-harming, self-loathing alter who hates all indications that she might be wrong or have made a mistake. She is angry, moody, and has extreme black and white thinking. She believes that people are all good or all bad and that perception changes from moment to moment depending on her last memory of you. She is selfish, demanding, lonely, and wants her fairytale ending, but doesn’t believe she is worth it so she might as well hate the world.

The Harem: These are a group of sexual alters that are more like fragments. They don’t generally have the power to hijack the consciousness fully (they have in the past, but not in the past four years). They prefer to utilize body sensations to overwhelm whoever is occupying the body with enough sexual sensation to drive the alter to finding a new sexual partner (for whatever their particular interest or kink is) They are all genders and sexual orientations though so the mentality can shift depending on which fragment is pushing the body on what I’m looking for.

There are other fragments who get labeled by their feel or emotions they cause (like pain, panic, paranoia, etc.) and many of them communicate through body sensations without causing a full switch. However, they can be extremely powerful on the hold they have on the body, meaning I can be physically having all the reactions of a panic attack while having to put the sociopath in the body’s driver’s seat to try and get the mind to back off the emotion and control the overwhelming feelings that the body is getting.

I will add more as I recognize them individually or they reveal themselves to me.