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Today sucked. To be honest, tonight was ok, but really the aftermath of it is sucking pretty hard. I had the kids home with me because the school system demands that if you get sent home for getting sick (like my older son did on Monday) that you have to miss the day after that as well so you’re somehow magically better.

It doesn’t matter that he got sick because he was anxious and had motion sickness, the school system assumes a virus and sends him home for a minimum of 24 hours past when he was sent home. So, instead of having one child half a day I had one child full time Monday (while trying to write two term papers), one half time. Today I said “Fuck it” and just had the younger one stay home too because I didn’t feel like getting him ready and fighting the other one (who isn’t sick) about not being able to go to school when it was pouring down rain this morning and he’s only be gone for two hours or so anyhow for pre-k.

Needless to say, writing a fucking term paper while having to constantly referee two children is not a walk in the park. I tried to help K out by exchanging an item that wasn’t working that she bought, but Petsmart is being a douche and wants a receipt despite us just wanting to do an even-exchange. As I don’t know where the receipt is, I spent time trying to get them to look up the purchase info so we could do the exchange and it still hasn’t been resolved.

I’m getting tired of doing everything for everyone and just having it fucking blow up on me the minute I do something for myself.

I went out tonight because I have been fucking stressed, switchy, and The Student/The Psychologist have been MIA in the system since I saw the lawyer and made my previous post. That fact has made it fucking insane to try and write papers on criminal psychology and criminal investigations when I don’t know what the fuck they do about any of this shit. I needed a break. I decided to go out when he invited me sometime this afternoon before anyone got home.

The guy was somebody I met on FL and seemed reasonable enough. However, there was no connection. This guy was friendly and ok, but really he had no real depth of character to him, nothing special or interesting about him that made me want to do anything other than pat him on the head and leave. Understand, he is a good guy and a good conversationalist, but I’ve not been in a good head space right now and he wasn’t the person I needed to talk to tonight.

In addition to all this, K got in a car accident today: It wasn’t anything major, but enough to stir up the system and freak her out (rightly so, its a fucking car accident). She got home and I felt like a bitch just going “oh ok, that sucks but I’m headed out now.” The FB posts about it made me feel like shit because one of her friends was like “oh yeah SD will probably be at home waiting with a strong drink if you need it” and K was just like “No, she’s going out.”

I don’t even think her intent was to be pissed about me going out, but it feels like a slap in the face because the minute I focus on myself, it is like I’m letting somebody down and not being there for them.

Let me clarify: I don’t go out. I used to go out once a week when I ran the spiritual group and earlier this year I was headed out maybe twice a week when I was doing a pub night with friends on Tuesdays. However, I’ve dropped both of those activities. I don’t go out, I don’t have friends, I don’t have any fucking life other than this 800sq ft. house with two kids, two dogs, two roommates (one being my husband), and a kitten. My life is nothing but taking care of people who come into this house, cleaning the house, doing laundry, doing dishes, dealing with children, and dealing with school things related to children.

I go out for one night and both my husband and K are triggered for various reasons and now I’m triggery as fuck because of disappointment with tonight not going differently (i.e. having some kind of chemistry or some kind of spark at all) and because of some other scenarios that are playing out with K.

Let me state first that 1. I am happy for K in this scenario 2. The issues I have with this situation have absolutely nothing to do with her or how this happened and everything to do with my own insecurities and inability to feel confidence in my own body and appearance. 3. My astoundingly disappointed and depressive Sara is adding to this current state of mind because her needs have not been met and she feels utterly useless and ugly.

The situation is one that I’ll let K share if she so wishes. It isn’t my business to post her life on here, but what is relevant is that my not-so-great connection this evening has brought me to a place where I feel very much like the ugly and awkward person who can only attract goofballs, abusers, and losers rather than anyone that I’d actually want to be with or be attracted to. This isn’t to say that everyone I attract is bad, but that it seems that the ones who like me have absolutely no chemistry with me and the ones I like are looking for someone who very definitely isn’t me in looks, body type, etc.

I just want a connection, some chemistry and passion, someone who I can actually date and be romantic with, someone I can let out some of the kinky side with and actually have it work. But I don’t play lightly…the system gets fucked up when we play without having a safe emotional bond there and I’m not risking Sara or the other internals to get sex when I know that the emotional bond is what allows them to differentiate their kink from the kinky abuse we suffered. I desperately need the sexual chemistry with someone, but I need more than just the sex: I need the real devotion of a loving partner that happens to also like kink, not just kinkyfuckery in random play.

I’m depressed, lonely, and desperately want a Dom to curl up around me and let me feel safe and not in charge all the time for once in my life. I’m tired of having nothing but responsibility and absolutely nothing fun that works out for me. I’m tired of having all the duds and never the fireworks that everyone else seems to get. The last time I had fireworks and real passion and chemistry with someone it was in 2007…Its about fucking time that I get something fun in my life, not just responsibility and bullshit every damn day.