Ok, it had been some time since we last had a full triggered, curl up in a ball and just freaking melt down into uncontrollable sobbing. Today apparently was the day for me to return to such a feeling…I haven’t missed it.

We’ll start with the fact that this morning I had a meeting with a lawyer. I met with the lawyer because I have unresolved bullshit that pertains to my highly abusive and emotionally manipulative ex that I was with for seven years. Beyond needing to get my children’s names changed so that they don’t have his last name, I also have a shared property that was not handled as part of the divorce because NC law does the property settlement separately from the divorce decree. Because my ex is a sniveling douchenozzle he already has cause a foreclosure of the house we had owned together and fucked my credit that way. However, because of his unwillingness to do anything that might benefit me, even if it would also benefit him, I have 1300 in collections right now that is technically his responsibility.

The property is owned outright so it isn’t another mortgage, but there are annual dues that end up costing 1k a year for two weeks of vacation time. I don’t want the property, but neither does he and he is more than willing to screw me over, even if it screws his own credit in the process.

Nonetheless, I was talking to the lawyer about these situations, something that is already highly triggering to me in general. I held my shit together for the most part (I got a bit switchy at the end, but not in such a way that the lawyer thought I was nuts or anything…I hope!) I know that after that I was extremely switchy and we went for coffee at Starbucks. One of their machines was broken so I sat completely dissociated for half an hour waiting for my order to be filled and then headed back home in time for my younger son to get home.

I don’t really know what the afternoon entailed other than a trip to Sams Club, picking up my older son, taking both the boys to their speech therapy group, and talking quite vividly with another person in the waiting room. I seemed to be holding it together pretty well until my husband got triggered by the kids thumping/kicking the walls when they were supposed to be sleeping. He has PTSD from his deployments and any sound that is similar to explosions, gunfire, or is just a loud thudding noise will set him off. Sadly, him being set off by the kids and yelling at them very quickly shoved me off that cliff I’d been teetering on all day.

I have two new parallel scratches down my arm from my fingernails when I first dissociated and tried to gain control again, but I couldn’t do it: His anger was more than just a slight push, it shoved me hard and head-first into the canyon of emotions, pain, and trauma that I’d managed to avoid the whole day.

I don’t know how long I just lay there on the bed sobbing, sobbing like the world was ending, sobbing until I couldn’t breathe and then sobbing some more. He tried to talk to me, but it only made it worse at first, only made me more scared and triggered. Finally I managed to get control and calm myself down. I could talk a few words here and there and he made a joke, reminding me that this was him, not the ex who would do that and then just use whatever altered state he brought out to use me or push for sex.

The rest of the evening has been ok, but I’m still shaken up right now. I’ve not been that triggered in some time. Puppy told me that I broke down like this maybe three or four months ago, but I don’t remember it so it is hard for me to say: He’s not so good at reading my emotions or levels of them and even though I know I had been triggered by a certain dipshit stalker of K earlier, I don’t think he had me going badly enough that I was like this…even he doesn’t trigger me as much as dealing with anything related to my ex does.

I’m just a bit embarrassed and worried about how that interaction affected K, our roommate, because she was witness to one degree or another the entire scenario. I haven’t let anyone else see me or be near me when that kind of thing happens, and the fact that she was in the house makes me extremely embarrassed because I don’t like people knowing just how broken I am. I mean I know that she is a multiple too, but I’ve always been the one taking care of everyone else, having someone who sees me that vulnerable just scares the shit out of me and makes me want to hide all the more.

I guess this is just the life when you have three adults in a house, two who are multiples with PTSD and one who has combat-related PTSD. We’re bound to set each other off with our triggers at some point, but today was the first time I was set off this badly by Puppy, even though it was mostly the stuff from earlier in the day that really caused it.