Too much has happened for me to still love him, yet not enough has for me to not love him. I do and I don’t, I will and I won’t. He says he loves me, that he can’t and doesn’t want to deny our chemistry and I find myself as pathetically in love as a little school girl. I’m lost to his charms like I always have been.  

 

Yet, unlike other men he has proven to speak the truth, proven to fulfill his promise to help, given credence to his apology despite it angering his wife. I am the monkey-wrench in her pretty relationship, the thorn in her side that reminds her that her husband has never been a faithful person. She was once the other woman and now in being his love has become fearful, with good reason, that he still wishes to stray.

 

I can’t blame her: I’d be just as suspicious had I been his primary love wanting a monogamous relationship. She is right to not trust him or me regarding these things because he and I are desperately in love with each other still. The chemistry alone is undeniable and despite my protestations and my continued anger at him for his neglect of me and his son, I still love him and wouldn’t turn away his affections. 

 

I know that this makes me break my own code, it unsettles the rest that I am not above-board, that this is not your typical poly scenario where all are consenting, but he is my weak spot. He matches me in ways that no other ever has and he is the father to my younger son. I still want him, but the others aren’t so sure. They don’t want to break the rules, they want to protect me from myself, but to see him and not touch him is torture in and of itself.

 

I don’t know what to do. It is likely that he will not be diverted from his orders to here. It is likely that he will still be far away and only be providing a monetary sum each month to help with expenses, but I hope that he does come here. Yes, I’m the one mucking up the works, the one who wishes there was a way to love him without ruining everything else in his life. I’m the one who ends up crying at the end of the night because of being such an emotional masochist for getting pregnant with someone who could never be with me the way I want to be with him.

 

Its not fair. All I want is to be loved, to have him be free to love me, to have him in my life, even if it hurts because having him there is better than not having him there. The rest don’t agree with me. The rest want him away because it takes my choice away, it keeps me from making mistakes as they see it. But either way I hurt: Why stick to ethics that are going to only hurt me more and make me feel guilty for giving into being with a person I love and who loves me back, if only for short periods at a time. 

 

I wish I could find the answers, but I don’t have them and I’m all alone just wanting his arms around me again.