My younger son has a bio-dad who has not been a part of his life for the past four years since I got pregnant. To sum things up and how they came to be, I was the “other woman” who was a friends with benefits with a guy I was stationed with. I learned my lesson the hard way about falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you back the same way, and the lesson of how easy it is for someone to run away when they already have orders to the other side of the world. 

 

Now I am at the crossroads again, never having lost contact with this man, but not having asked for anything from him in regards to his son. Yet, in his endeavor to cheer me up in the past two days he tripped over the landmine of emotions that I had not truly shared with him regarding my anger and bitterness in his complete absence of support of any kind for me or his son. I haven’t and don’t expect him to be a hands-on dad, but I have always wanted him to at least not be the guy who runs away and hides his head in the sand because something in his life didn’t go the way he planned.

 

I confronted him about my feelings, said my piece, and cried out a lot of the trapped emotion I’ve held onto for the past four years. His response was to apologize, tell me how he plans to financially support his son and endeavor to be stationed here so that he can take a more active role in his son’s life. While this sounds good I have a hard time truly believing this will follow. If it is true it also complicates things for me as I have grown used to not having him in my life and seeing him again will lead to a number of emotional conflicts regarding my continued love for him and both of our continued attraction to one another.

 

I won’t pretend to think that he loves me the way I love him, but part of me always seems to hope that something will change that will allow things to be better with us than they have been. It seems to be a hopeless romantic side that has no basis in what could ever possibly be for me. It just hurts and even in knowing that I could potentially have him be a better father to his son, it would still kill me each and every time just to see him, knowing that he isn’t mine, knowing that he isn’t ever going to be mine.

 

It isn’t that I’m not grateful for what I have: My husband is the world to me and he has never put me through any pain and suffering the way that every other man in my life has, including my younger son’s bio-dad. Yet, I also never had the passion and thrill with my husband either. We have been steady and comfortable for most of our relationship. I don’t regret it, but there is a reason that I am not monogamous: I want passion and fun. I need escape from the mundane and an edge of danger and naughtiness to help me get through the day sometimes. I have that normal comforting vanilla life right now and it just isn’t enough…yet the alternative is chaotic and worrisome. 

 

I cannot know what will come to pass until it does. I suppose worrying over it won’t help.