Words really cannot describe how I feel about what is about to happen this week. Whether my feelings about this are rational or irrational I’m dealing with the fact that the father of my younger son is coming to visit sometime this week. I have seen him exactly twice in four years, for maybe a total of two hours. The first time was a brief lunch towards the end of 2010 on his way to a deployment in which he met his son for the first time. The second time was six months later in 2011 in which he happened to need a place to stay when his flight plans changed suddenly and needed a place to sleep for a few hours when returning from deployment.
Our contact outside of that has been minimal. His wife dislikes me and he works constantly. He has been on the other side of the world (rather literally) for the past four years so matching up for actually discussing things, having skype sessions or anything like that has happened few enough times over the past four years I can count them on one hand. Yet we have had a few IM discussions when one of us is up late and we both end up online at the same time. The tension is still always there, the fact that we both feel this chemistry with one another doesn’t change.
Nothing played out during those times we were alone, partially because of a lack of time, partially because the kids were around, partially because I have too many conflicted emotions about him in general. I gave in a bit and did cuddle with him both times because I needed the emotional support, needed to feel ok, to feel loved, but even that just fucked me up more. He can’t give me what I want and can’t be what I need him to be. So I am stuck with someone in my life who loves me but can’t/won’t acknowledge the fact that he loves me and that we have a son together.
I am his dirty little secret: I’m the woman “on the side” who his wife knows about, but none of his family. She tolerates my presence in his life only because she can’t stand the thought of losing him. It has been easy for her in the past four years, easy because we’ve been on opposite time zones, we’ve been on far ends of the earth from one another and he had been neglecting all responsibility regarding his son until two months ago when I bitched him out for it.
Now, he is trying to be a decent person, trying to make up for it, trying to do the right thing, but it only makes it that much more complicated for me. His presence in the local area due to his job moving to WA and him visiting family in the area now that he is back in the U.S. only makes my anxiety that much more intense. The fact that his wife is demanding to join him on this little excursion to see me is even more disconcerting.
I don’t want to deal with her. I don’t want to face her. I don’t want to have to play nice and act distant from him when I really need to talk frankly about things regarding him wanting his name on our son’s birth certificate and what he wants out of that action. I don’t want to have to worry about saying the wrong thing or dealing with that tension I have with him when she is around. I don’t want to feel like I can’t even get a hug from him because of her being there. I don’t want to feel like the scared alone little kid that I do right now because I can’t even seek comfort from someone who has been a friend to me in some of the worst times I’ve gone through.
Whether or not we are more than friends. Whether or not we have a physical connection together, which I’m sure we will never lose, we are still friends. He is still someone I love and still someone I want to feel ok with. However, with her there I’ll never be able to say what I need to, never be able to express what I want to him. He is the father of my younger son; the truth of the matter is that he and I are forever connected because of that. Yet, this harsh truth of being in love with someone who can’t/won’t acknowledge me or our son to anyone hurts beyond words I can give to describe it.
Part of me wishes that he would just not want to be involved…then I could demonize him; then I could just have him out of my life with no complications. He could have his wife and his own life and I would at least be able to heal because he wanted nothing. Yet, he isn’t being a jerk and isn’t trying to distance himself from his son. This fact is both great and is killing me at the same time: His interest in his son only makes it that much harder for me, that much harder for me to handle the complications and drama of his wife and her hatred of me. It is that much harder for me to handle the fact that he is still here, and still admits to loving me, although he wants the stability of having his wife and loves her too.
I’m not monogamous so I can understand loving more than one person at the same time, but his wife doesn’t understand that, and thus we are stuck. She is jealous, concerned, bothered by the fact that he and I still have a connection. She wants me gone, is angry that he has volunteered to pay me child support (technically less than what the state would demand if it went through the courts), is unhappy that I’m still involved in his life at all.
Now she wants to be here, wants to be present when he is with his son. What do I do about this? I don’t know. I understand that she thinks he will cheat. I understand that I can’t guarantee it wouldn’t happen because I know how he and I are together. I know which one of us is drawn to him and she is hard to control when she has been denied so much sexually for so long because I (Raina) have enforced standards for sexual partners for the body.
Now, this woman wants to be here and I can’t even cry about anything or expect him to be honest and forthright about how he feels about things because he will censor himself in front of his wife so as to not hurt her. Yet, if he says that she can’t be there he is digging himself a hole of suspicion and more drama at home for himself. Either way I’m screwed because if she is here then I have to control myself to a point where I’m going to break down as soon as they leave and won’t get good feedback from him about any questions I’ll actually be able to ask with her present. If she’s not there then I am dealing with the fact that I still have a connection to him and will likely be switchy as fuck and will emotionally break down as soon as he leaves whether or not he and I do anything together.
I can’t even put all of this feeling into words no matter how hard I try…I’m overwhelmed, lonely, frustrated, hopeless, despairing, and feeling like no matter what I do or what he does, I’m always going to be the one who gets screwed over by this mess. I’m not looking forward to this week.